I spent the evening poring over the Forbes 400 list.
I need to get a life, I know, but there are some truly fascinating people on this illustrious list.
There is exactly one fashion designer on the Forbes 400. ( Well, actually there’s two; but I’ll explain that in a minute. )
Anywho, his name is Ralph Lauren. He has created a fashion empire we’re all familiar with. I’m happy to report that I have supported him, as has every woman in my family for years.
You’re welcome , Ralph. Love to see the ranch in Telluride next time you throw a shindig, k ?
I’ll be bringing my friend T, who for the 10 years I knew him bought a new Polo shirt every other week, vastly contributing to your fortune and your childrens’ college fund.
So, first on the list of how to make the list is:
1. Design a fashion line. Make sure it’s timeless, represents the American woman, from birth to death, encompassing every lifestyle item imaginable, from sheets to swimsuits, boots to suits, house paint to harem pants, throw in some iconic fragrances, come up with a little animal emblem you can put on a golf shirt that everyone in the universe will at some time own in at least 10 colors. Do this every year for the rest of your life. Just like…
Ralph Lauren. #60. Worth $4.4 billion
2. Sell running shoes. Start with Japanese running shoes that you sell from the trunk of your car to earn extra money. Start your own footwear company, name it after a Greek goddess, hire an unknown artist to design your logo. Pay her $245 for said logo which will eventually be worn by every minor and major league team in every sport known to man, across the globe, including badminton. Hire the world’s premiere atheletes as your spokespeople. Every last stinkin’ one of them. Just like…
Phil Knight. #23. Founder of Nike. Worth $11.1 billion
3. Go from hippie to overlord of a trendy retail empire with 341 stores. Come up with a catchy name and make it the place where all the cool kids shop. Put one in every major retail center in America, and every college town. Sell everything from clothes to books and crap like this that college kids think they need.
Just like…
Richard Hayne. # 308. Founder of Urban Outfitters. Worth $1.3 billion.
4. Be a member of the lucky gene pool. If your mom founded the world’s most successful cosmetics company, built it into a empire over the course of a lifetime of hard work and knowing what women want, you’re in luck. Cuz eventually, she’ll kick the bucket and you’ll be left holding the bag o’ money with your equally wealthy bro. Then you can do cool stuff, like buy Picassos, become chairman of the Whitney Art Museum, be the U.S. ambassador to Austria, or spend $135 million dollars on this.
Ronald Lauder,#124 – Estee Lauder’s son, worth $2.8 billion
Leonard Lauder, #66 – Ronald Lauder’s even wealthier older bro, worth $4.2 billion
5. Marry into it. But do it right. First, marry some royal dude. Establish connections and wear diamond tiaras to all the best parties. Jet set around. Become a fashion model. Then start your own fashion line, with one iconic item that flatters every woman. Get rich and famous off one knit wrap dress. Lose the boring royal dude. Marry a rich media mogul, re-invent yourself. Cuz now, you’ve earned the right to be on the list. Just like…
Diane Von Furstenberg married to Barry Diller . #332. Multi-media mogul. Worth $1.2 billion
Now, there’s lots of ways to make the Forbes 400. Real estate, oil, investment banking, hedge funds, tech companies.
But this one is my favorite. Why ?
Because it’s simple.
Because this guy just made one thing and then he sold the crap out of it. I like that in a billionaire.
6. Make cheese. Mozzarella cheese. Yummy, soft, melty mozzarella. I ask you, who among us does not love mozzarella cheese ? All you have to do is find a couple of good accounts. Like Pizza Hut, Domino’s and Hot Pockets. Next thing ya know, you’re the world’s largest mozzarella maker. And then you watch your profits soar as pizza chains start to spread across Asia, spreading the love ( and profits ) of mozzarella to billions of unsuspecting Asian people everywhere. Just like…
James Leprino. #136. Founder of Leprino Foods. Worth $2.6 billion
They’re all inspirational in their own way. They deserve our admiration and support for their relentless pursuit of the American dream.
So, I urge you, as you spend your hard-earned dollars on life’s necessities… support your local billionaire. Buy
Nike tennis shoes,
a DVF wrap dress,
an Estee Lauder lipstick,
a Ralph Lauren polo shirt,
a Hot Pocket,
and most definitely,
buy these, put them in your guest room, making you the envy of the neighborhood and automatically cool:
the Urban Outfitters Wiener Dog Pillowcase Set.
It’s just the right thing to do.
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